Rules for Driving in Cyprus

1.Indicators will give away your next move, A confident Cypriot driver never uses them

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because somebody else will fill in the
space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of
getting hit.

4. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork,
especially with WW, MO or MH plates. With no insurance, the other
operator probably has nothing to lose.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to
ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the
brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a
chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good
way to prepare other drivers entering the motorway.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and
are not enforceable in Cyprus during rush hour.

8. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or
even someone changing a tyre. This is seen as a sign of
respect for the victim.

9. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Cyprus is the home of
high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Department of Public Works,
which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep
them alert!

10. It is tradition in Cyprus to honk your horn at cars in front of you
that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

11. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover,
it is important to exit your vehicle through the windscreen right away.
Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from
danger.

12. Remember that the goal of every Cypriot driver is to get ahead of the
pack by whatever means necessary.

13. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one
expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended

Cyprus Driving

More to come later!!

A Few useful phrases

Pote fevgi to leforio = when is the bus leaving: What busses, Cyprus is the only EU member without a viable public transportation system.

Giati then anavis to elektroniko roloi mesa sto taxi= why don't you turn on the taxi meter: Cypriot taxi drivers have the ability to compute driving distance and rate per kilometer using their god given mathematical talent. Technology is only for fools.

Ti ehi stin tiloresi apopse = what's on T.V. tonight: If you are watching cypriot T.V. via an aerial antenae your probably watching the mating habits of the african tortoise in the galapagos. Get a satellite dish.

Ti kreas einai afto = what kind of meat is this: If you have to ask, you don't want to know.

Ti fagito einai tis imeras = what is the food of the day: Waiter thinks in Russian...does this putz think we serve fresh food...I hope he/she likes shitty service and cold food reheated under a light

Then iparhi provlima = there is no problem: run and hire a lawyer as quickly as you can

I ptisi tis Cyprus Airways einai on time = The Cyprus Airways flight is on time: These words are forbidden and have been stricken from the lexicon of Cyprus Airways.

Kanoume Epergia = We are on strike: We work from 0830-1300 with a 1 hour lunch break, this is an inhumane to treat extremely knowledgeable civil servants.

Ehi pai diakopes = They are on leave: He/She is the only person in the entire building who knows how to accomplish the form you have requested.

Then pirazi = It doesn't matter: Hell ya it matters you stupid foreigner, please pay on the way out and come again.

Efharisto poli = thanks very much: Thanks for letting me rip you off, by charging 80 cents for a 30 cent bottle of water.

Etsi to kanoume edo stin kypro = this is the way it's done in Cyprus: We like things the way they are, backwards, upsidedown, fu..ed up, we don't let EU laws and directives dictate how things are done.

To xenodohio einai 5 asteri = the hotel is rated at 5 stars: Yeah right..maybe supernova's that have exploded.

Irtha stin Kypro me artiste visa = I came to Cyprus on a artiste visa: Before you take her home to meet mom, understand that the woman you just bought a drink for came to Cyprus to work as a lady of the evening.

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A Few Cypriot Jokes

Once upon a time there was a mirror that sucked everyone that was lying:
 
One day a person from Nicosia goes in front of the mirror and says: - I'm thinking... that people from Nicosia are not too much "their mother's boys" (How do you translate "voutyropaida" anyway?).
The mirror sucked him.
 
Then someone from Limassol goes in front of the mirror and says:
- I'm thinking... that we the Limassolians are not too much of criminals.
The mirror sucked him.
 
Finally someone from Paphos goes in front of the mirror and says:
- I'm thinking...
The mirror sucked him.

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CYPRIOTS AND THE OLD LADYFive Cypriots are talking to a very old, very wise lady. She wants to know what city they come from. The first one replies:
- I come from Nicosia, old lady.
- Good for you, says the old lady. Big city, the capital, but it's not by the beach and it's very hot in the summer. En pirazi, en pirazi (never mind, never mind).
 
Then the second one replies:
- I come from Limassol.
- Lucky you, says the old lady. Rich city, nice hotels, a lot of tourists. You have a lot of crime though, but en pirazi, en pirazi.
 
The third one says:
- I come from Famagusta, old lady.
- How nice! Beautiful beaches, nice citrus groves. Too bad you cannot enjoy it anymore and it's empty from people. En pirazi, en pirazi.
 
The fourth one comes from Larnaca.
- Nice! Says the old lady. You have the airport there and that nice beach with the palm trees. You also have the oil refinery which pollutes the air but en pirazi, en pirazi.
 
Finally the last one approaches the old lady and says:
- I come from Paphos, old lady.
- En pirazi, en pirazi.

Drinking in Cyprus

Drinking habits in Cyprus are varied depending on which area you visit.

For example the west of the Island (including the British protectorate of Peyia) the natives tend to gather round established drinking dens of an exotic nature such as ''The Queens Head'', ''The Bull and Bush'' or ''Eastenders Sports Bar''. Due to the poor rate of sterling versus the mighty euro most locals tend to go out in time for the local custom of ''happy hour'' where in one solitary hour they can quaff as much Boddingtons and Watneys Red Barrel as they wish for apound 2.50 euros a time, this usually leaves change from their 20 euro note for a bag of chips and scratchings from the local takeaway at 9.30 pm local time.

In years gone by where one drank depended on your politics with bars and coffee shops for each political party, this has however in recent years changed somewhat in that the bar one uses is decided by which football team one supports which is fine unless you happen to be a Wigan supporter in which case you will be drinking on your own.

Drinkers in the Limassol area tend to have habits similar to the above but tend to be slightly more affluent and also more cosmopolitan, partaking in local alchoholic beverages such as Keo and Brandy sours. A favourite game in this area is called ''dodge the drunken squaddie'' which I am sure is quite self explanetary, especially to those who have spent time on the Island. Brits on this end of the Island also tend to discuss Rugger as opposed to football and prove their willingness to blend in with the locals by eating Large donners with extra chilli and garlic mayo.

Onto Nicosia....an altogether different kettle of fish. Not many cheap drinks here. The expat can pay anything from 4 euro to 8.50 for a beer. So its no good drinking here unless you are working and not relying on your UK pension.Nightlife does however tend to be more sophisticated with lots of ''caberet'' bars featuring exoticeast european artistes, These establishments have in recent years taken over from the ''coffee shop'' as the meeting point for Cypriot males of all ages.

A tip for going drinking in Nicosia is to frequent various Cyprus message boards and ingratiate yourself with local posters. Once friendships are made by you using your vast knowledge of the Island then you may be lucky enough to be invited out, commomly known as a ''forum meet''. At the end of the meet the ''logarismo'' (bill) is usually split between all persons there. By drinking twice as much as your hosts you can usually get a good deal for a night out, as well as a terrifying lift home from your hosts who are all anxious to prove they are still sober.

The Eastern end of the Island has been dealt with on another blog.

Drinking in the North is an event that must be planned with military precision as the bars open and close with regular monotony, what can be open one evening may be boarded up the next. As in Pafos and Peyia the folk tend to go for the bars with happy hours and BOGOF offers and are usually tucked up in their tents at 9pm. ( a word of warning here, If drinking in the occupied areas do not mention title deeds as this is a sore point amongst expats in this area). Conversation usually revolves around selling properties and going to the south for medical treatment.

Happy Drinking

Property Issues for British Expatriates

Buying property in the Republic of Cyprus is relatively easy.

Most Estate Agents (Coffee shop owners) have a vast portfolio of Properties ranging from Bedsits made of dry straw and mud (Peyia and Pafos) for downsizing British pensioners. Through to Mansions made of bricks and mortar (in the Capital Nicosia) for the more enlightened purchaser.

The buying process, In Paphos and Peyia consists of giving your money to a developer or sales representative of the seller, and using a lawyer which can be obtained from a list held by the developer, wait until your pension does not cover the cost of living and sell at a loss or not at all (depending on whether deeds are available- or you have/have not actually moved into the property).

The process in Nicosia is not quiet so straight forward as many lawyers will not have dealt with the wise old expatriate population. Most of the people who buy in nicosia are actually Cypriots so as this article is aimed at British Expatriates who want to live in ''UK in the Sun' I will not go into further detail on this.

The other option is to buy in the illegal turkish invaded area of the island , This option is likely to appeal to criminals on the run and persons of very limited budget who cannot afford to buy in the world recognised areas.

This again is a very simple process in that you give shed loads of money to a man in a bar who you have just met and he gives you a cheaply built property on stolen land and for which you will recieve ''carpetbagger'' deeds. The fact that the land and property is not his to sell should not prevent you waiting 3 years before your money runs out and you resort to prostituting your body to pay for a flight back to the UK. If you should actually move into a property then a call from the ECHR usually suffices to establish your legal claim on it.

Economics of the Levant

Economy
The Cypriot economy is based mainly on ethnically sensitive products such as Non-Specified (formerly Turkish) Delight, a gelatinous substance extracted from the Mediterranean sea-bed; International Harmony (formerly Turkish) coffee, a thick petroleum replacement invented by Cypriot scientists in the 1920s; and Cyprus potatoes, along with a variety of broccoli originating from South America.

Since 2000BCE Cypriots did business online always with a frappe-coffee at hand

The Cyprus economy depends on British lads, that visit Cyprus holiday resorts for cheap beer and cigarettes. They tend to become stupendously drunk and lose their virginity to something that resembles a woman. This mainly occurs during summer in Ayia Napa (aka "The hooker of the Mediterranean"). Ayia Napa, greek for Saint Napa, is the patron saint of munging and the Land Shark. Ayia Napa comes second worldwide only to Mykonos in number of gays, lesbians, drunks, devirginized women and heroin-users wandering the streets after 5:00 am. Welsh visitors seem to have a preference for the moufflon - the wild sheep particular to Cyprus. What the lads do not know is that the normal prices of cigarettes and alcohol in Cyprus are even cheaper than they think. Cypriot merchants take full advantage of their self-created 500% tourist tax (also known as pushto ingleso tax)

The Pushto Ingleso tax visually explained

Furthermore, the Cyprus economy gains a great deal from bird lovers and charitable contributions by individuals, concerned about wildlife. The Cyprus Government has convinced the world public that if they do not donate the money needed to cover the national deficit, Cypriots will resort to eating small vineyard birds known as 'ampelopoulia'. These bird lovers, and especially the European Union, are so concerned about the fate of Tweetie that they fork out before the Cypriots get their forks out! If Greece had ampelopoulia, they too would be swimming in money, but tough shit.
Another important economic factor in Cyprus, is the exports. Cyprus has a very fertile area that grows potatoes, known as Kokkinochoria, or the Red Villages. Most of the people that are part of the Kokkinochoria region grow potatoes, which are usually destroyed by hailstorms and drought. They live on the apozimiosi tis kivernisis(compensation of the government), and claim that it is too little, because it is not enough to buy land near the GSP Stadium
At least 50% of the GDP comes from soft-ripened cheese famous for its pungeant odor called Halloumi. Halloumi is a strong cheese that goes well with red wine or petrol.

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My take on the Cyprus issue

Motto: "Anything Greece can do, we can do...also and better

Cyprus is the centre of international peace and harmony. Apart from some minor political squabbles and ethnic pillow fights in prehistoric times, the iron age, classical times, hellenic times, the middle ages, 1800s, 1878, 1912-13, 1922, 1931 (oktovriana), 1940-1944, 1950s, 1960s, the 1963-1964 killings, 1970s, coup of 1973, invasion of 1974,1980s, November 1983, and 1990s, the island has remained peaceful and entirely in one piece since its establishment a long, long time ago.
The current president of Cyprus is Demetris (Voukkoues) Christofias, who is a bolshevik and taught Lenin how to make frapee coffee. Ever since the Russians have been sending us T-80 tanks at half the price. It is now possible to distinguish cypriot and russian jets and armor because they all have a cup holder. It is especially useful to cypriot soldiers, since their tanks don't really take part in combat. They are usually taken for a ride around the army barracks, and twice a year they go around the city for the parades and stuff, where politicians make people think they are AT-ATs and will crush any invader, since they were bought from Mother Russia for $111000 each. Their weapons are also tested three times a year in target practicing near populated areas.
Cyprus is divided by a line, which Cypriots usually like to call the GREEN line, due to the invasion of Turkey in 1974, aka operation greenpeace when they claimed to protect the rights of 'ambelopoulia' (field birds). Greek Cypriots protest this invasion to this date, stating they only wanted to see how many Turks they could fit in a hole (they always liked geometry). The occupied part of Cyprus depends on which side of the green line you're standing on. The United Nations of the World and the Union of Europeans recognizes the Greek part of Cyprus as the Legal State. The Turkish-Cypriot side, it is debatable if there are any Turkish-Cypriots actually left as they have been outnumbered by actual Turks, Turkish troops, Turkish belly dancers and Turkish baths, is considered to be nasty; claiming a state, the so called Northern Republic of Cyprus, recognized only by the Turkey, the Seagull, the Eagles, and other flying Members of the Animal Kingdom.


With thanks to uncyclopedia